Dear friends and family,
Here follows my official will. The last time I wrote a will, I was drunkenly throwing up at my first college party. I may be even more serious about this one.
Honestly, this is a very difficult thing to write, because I actually don't have anything of value. But I figure Margie gets my money because I probably owe it to her anyway, and my friends and family get first dibs on my stuff. The rest gets taken to the Salvo on Devon street, because good people shop there. DO NOT leave it in Springfield. Pearls before swine.
Now. I don't want a funeral, and ideally, I'd like to be either dropped whole in the ocean or in the woods somewhere close-ish to humanity so that I can freak out a morning jogger and inspire a huge investigation/investigation movie/spin-off series, hopefully ending with me having some cool nickname like, "The Grey Dahlia" or the... some pun on The Black Dahlia. So be sure to leave, like, a dog-eared copy of Hamlet beside me. If not that, cremation and everyone has to wear the ashes in a vial around their neck forever.
In terms of remembrance, there should be a big memorial tea party on each coast and a fund should be set up for struggling actresses in their 20's. We're seriously underfunded.
The nitty gritty.
If I:
Am poisoned by something I eat - NO FOOD is to be served at the memorial.
Contract a terrible disease:
From the water - My water filter is to be burned and thrown off a cliff.
From a bug bite - Everyone at the memorial receives citronella plants and is urged to just eat some with every meal.
Am eaten by a(n):
Bear - Ironic, since bears are my favorite animal. Also extremely likely. A campaign against bears is to be started. Not pro-bear awareness. Against bears.
Mountain lion - See above. Minus the part about my favorite animal, swapping word "bear" with "lion."
Other- If it's a person, they should be forced to regurgitate me. If it's a moose or something that's never eaten anyone before, that's actually pretty cool. No repercussions against animal.
Am killed by a serial killer - Hm. This is a tricky one. I guess I want unbridled vengeance... I think you all can work together on that, or hire someone. Up to you. Then, once the person IS caught and the gruesome details released, I want a few people to write touching memoirs and then we're back to the movie/spin-off series.
Die of hypothermia - Sue Marmot, everyone at memorial gets extremely warm blanket.
Die of heat stroke - Memorial is REALLY WARM. Because this would be the worst way to go. Cold is terrible, but heat stroke? No mercy. Crank the thermostat.
Get hit by lightning - A lot of very bad puns.
Am smashed by cascading rocks - Everyone... gets... a pillow? An ICEPACACK. Everyone gets icepacks in the memorial gift bag.
Fall off a mountain - Campaign against mountains.
Break one/all limbs and slowly starve to death - Memorial service feast!
Die of dehydration - Memorial service in a swimming pool, ashes sprinkled in water fountain.
If my death is caused by something else, just make sure I don't have a stupid memorial service. That's the bottom line.
Here follows my official will. The last time I wrote a will, I was drunkenly throwing up at my first college party. I may be even more serious about this one.
Honestly, this is a very difficult thing to write, because I actually don't have anything of value. But I figure Margie gets my money because I probably owe it to her anyway, and my friends and family get first dibs on my stuff. The rest gets taken to the Salvo on Devon street, because good people shop there. DO NOT leave it in Springfield. Pearls before swine.
Now. I don't want a funeral, and ideally, I'd like to be either dropped whole in the ocean or in the woods somewhere close-ish to humanity so that I can freak out a morning jogger and inspire a huge investigation/investigation movie/spin-off series, hopefully ending with me having some cool nickname like, "The Grey Dahlia" or the... some pun on The Black Dahlia. So be sure to leave, like, a dog-eared copy of Hamlet beside me. If not that, cremation and everyone has to wear the ashes in a vial around their neck forever.
In terms of remembrance, there should be a big memorial tea party on each coast and a fund should be set up for struggling actresses in their 20's. We're seriously underfunded.
The nitty gritty.
If I:
Am poisoned by something I eat - NO FOOD is to be served at the memorial.
Contract a terrible disease:
From the water - My water filter is to be burned and thrown off a cliff.
From a bug bite - Everyone at the memorial receives citronella plants and is urged to just eat some with every meal.
Am eaten by a(n):
Bear - Ironic, since bears are my favorite animal. Also extremely likely. A campaign against bears is to be started. Not pro-bear awareness. Against bears.
Mountain lion - See above. Minus the part about my favorite animal, swapping word "bear" with "lion."
Other- If it's a person, they should be forced to regurgitate me. If it's a moose or something that's never eaten anyone before, that's actually pretty cool. No repercussions against animal.
Am killed by a serial killer - Hm. This is a tricky one. I guess I want unbridled vengeance... I think you all can work together on that, or hire someone. Up to you. Then, once the person IS caught and the gruesome details released, I want a few people to write touching memoirs and then we're back to the movie/spin-off series.
Die of hypothermia - Sue Marmot, everyone at memorial gets extremely warm blanket.
Die of heat stroke - Memorial is REALLY WARM. Because this would be the worst way to go. Cold is terrible, but heat stroke? No mercy. Crank the thermostat.
Get hit by lightning - A lot of very bad puns.
Am smashed by cascading rocks - Everyone... gets... a pillow? An ICEPACACK. Everyone gets icepacks in the memorial gift bag.
Fall off a mountain - Campaign against mountains.
Break one/all limbs and slowly starve to death - Memorial service feast!
Die of dehydration - Memorial service in a swimming pool, ashes sprinkled in water fountain.
If my death is caused by something else, just make sure I don't have a stupid memorial service. That's the bottom line.
You have my word.
ReplyDelete-Maxwell
p.s. A quick clearer upper: do your wishes after 'death of dehydration' override your plan to dump whole Amalia body in the woods or ocean?
This is an important point, and I'm glad you brought it up. No. It would be much more poetic if my dehydrated body was released into the ocean. But not a freshwater source, because I think I'd become a pollutant.
ReplyDelete